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Luke Danes v. Luke Boyfriend: An Analysis

5 Oct

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Long before he was Luke on this blog, I referred to my boyfriend as Luke in whispered girl-talk code-name-necessary conversations.

I chose the name Luke because of Luke Danes on Gilmore Girls, the gruff diner owner with a secret heart of gold.  My Luke is so very Luke.  He is so very stoic and he is so very good at making bacon and he, in the scheme of my life loves, is so very much a Luke.

I had a Christopher.  Amy Sherman Palladino was right about those Christophers.

She was also right about those Lukes.

She was right about everything, really, just as I should have always known she would be.

Luke Danes v. My Luke

An informal analysis

                      LUKE DANES                                           MY LUKE

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And Just Like That I Start Gilmore Girls Again

21 Aug

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About once a year, without warning, I get this aching in my bones.  A restless energy that whirls around and whispers, “Gilmore Girls.  It’s time for Gilmore Girls.”

And just like that, I start Gilmore Girls again.

I’ve watched Gilmore Girls so many times I can point out the smallest of errors, the tiniest of anachronisms.  “Oh that girl in the pilot at Stars Hollow High?  Yes, later she plays Tristan’s girlfriend at Chilton and goes by a completely new name,” I guffaw to myself, since no one else ever has or ever will care.

But I care.

I care about every last Tristan girlfriend, every odd Macy Gray choice, every, every, every second of Adam Brody time.

I know it all.  I feel it all.  It’s all part of the Gilmore Girls canon and part of me.

As I watch the show now, my heart beats a little faster.  It doesn’t matter that I can quote huge sections of every abnormally-long script, I still brighten at the thought of watching it unfold.

It’s the first time every time.

Make that into a love song, someone.

While the episodes progress I’m taken back to former versions of myself, the Jills that watched the show in real time, who lived and breathed for Tuesday nights in Stars Hollow.

There’s Post High School Jill who sat on a lawn outside her best friend’s cosmetology building discussing Dean and Jess for hours, avoiding her own impending reality.

There’s Freshman Year of College Jill who went home every weekend to a boyfriend who had recorded the latest episode on VHS for her.  A boyfriend, who, maybe, secretly, sort of liked the show himself.

I’m sure of it.

There’s the Jill who cried over that boyfriend while a television screen flashed in the background.

The Jill who browsed the University of Utah’s directory for men named Gilmore.

The Jill who watched the series finale on the East Coast because her stupid family had stupid moved to stupid Nowherseville, Kentucky.

Oh gosh, there’s even the Jill who turned down a Tuesday night date because of Lorelai and Rory.

She was a real thing, that Jill.

A peach, too.

On and on and round I go through Gilmore Girls, my adolescence and early adulthood swirling behind me, until I find myself today in The Marshmallow, pulling out those well-loved DVDs and curling up to the comforting sounds of Carole King.

I feel it all.

All the past Jills, all the loneliness and heartbreak and wanting of something that can’t be defined.

Every single time I watch Gilmore Girls,

I still feel it all.

Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak’s Social Media Love Affair, Or Why They Should Be Together

28 Feb

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Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak are the stuff of fan fiction. Once a real life couple (and real life TV couple), the two of them are now very public besties who like to tease their fans with the depth of their soulmate-ship all while claiming they’re just friends.

It’s the type of plotline Mindy would write into her show. And she did. (Remember BJ playing the guy who was really in love with his best friend on The Mindy Project?)

Obviously Mindy and BJ know what they’re doing. They’re smart. They’re sexy. They realize the whole world is rooting for their rom-com and they let it play out via social media so we can all shriek, “STOP DENYING FATE ALREADY!”

BJ once even told Entertainment Weekly, “The main reason I’m reluctant to get married to Mindy is that every single person in our lives and Twitter feeds would say, ‘I knew it.’ I just couldn’t f–ing deal with that. But we know. We know what’s there.”

Ugh, BJ. Not a good enough reason, man. Not a good enough reason.

Let’s take a look at some of Mindy and BJ’s flirtiest social media interactions. Prepare your shrieking.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.  Spoiler: I say things like, “Mindy’s first Instagram of all time, a subtle hint to her strongest attachment of all time” and I mean it.

Also, in researching this article I discovered a Tweet where Mindy confirmed what we’ve known all along–Danny Castellano is very, very similar to BJ aka she’s writing their love story.

Super sigh.  Get together already.

ALSO

Prep your bar for Mardi Gras

(I have a Mardi Gras picture I’ve been planning for several months now.  This is important to tell you because this is my blog.  I don’t know.)

I don’t know, people, but I do know it’s Friday and my Spring Break is ending.

(We need a punctuation mark that’s the opposition of an exclamation mark.)

The Friends Thanksgiving Episodes Ranked Best To Worst

26 Nov

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Friends had the best Thanksgiving episodes on television, ever, without question, end of discussion. But which Friends Turkey Day plot is the best? Which is the worst? How do you rank these episodes and what do you do about the five-way first place tie that happens when you try?  These questions and more are answered in this Portable Thanksgiving week special:

The Friends Thanksgiving Episodes Ranked Best to Worst.

I had more anxiety trying to rank these episodes than I should really admit.

And just because SheKnows was feeling left out…

15 Dogs that don’t look like dogs (My most popular SheKnows article to date, who knew?)

30 Inspirational tweets (Beginning, as all good things do, with Oprah.)

Your Dog’s top 10 favorite houseguests (In which I enter the canine psyche…)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Celebrity Crushes And Other Distractions

20 Nov

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A few nights ago I had a stress-induced freak out. This semester has been one for the books.  The type of semester you know will be fun to look back on in, oh, 50 years when your classmates all reunite and you say, “Wow, remember fall of 2013?” and “I’m glad you finally took my advice on the Larry David glasses, Rob” and laugh a little and cry a little because maybe the pain is still there a little.

Drama alert.

In the middle of my freak out, Rob asked me which teen soap I would like to see have a reunion.  I responded, “I see what you are doing here, the distraction technique, and I’m smarter than that and also what are the terms of this reunion?”

My answer came down to The OC or Dawson’s, which surprised Rob, because, as he put it, The OC only had one really good season to its name and Dawson’s Creek had…everything.  I responded, “Yes, it would be Dawson’s overall, but I need to at least pretend to think about this for the sake of my future relationship with Adam Brody.”

Adam, a girl can’t wait forever.

(Update: Today Adam and Leighton’s engagement was announced.  I’m happy for your guys, really.  These are tears of joy.)

This semester I am writing three scripts, and two of them are set in high school.  I’m also taking a class next semester just so I can write a CW-worthy show, and my two main celebrity crushes are men who got their starts on prominent teen soaps.

All of these things point to a girl with a deep and abiding love for all things teenage.

I think there are a few reasons I’m drawn to adolescent worlds and a few reasons why my teenage characters often inspire my best writing, but it all a boils down to one idea (and no, I don’t believe people who write about high school are all Chip Matthews):

In high school, everything means something.

Also, I’m a bit of a drama queen.

In Dawson’s Creek Season 4, there is a whole episode revolving around the turmoil caused when Dawson and Joey are voted Capeside High’s cutest couple.  Pacey and his wounded soul are further wounded, Dawson is…who knows…and Joey is nearly beside herself.  Hearts break.  Feelings take over.  Capeside may never be the same!  

This ridiculous misunderstanding is just that, a misunderstanding, but in high school, well, in high school it’s everything.

And I’m the type of girl that likes things to mean everything.

Also teenage girls are just so fun to write.

While we’re on the subject of teen TV shows, have you guys seen this video of Chace Crawford? If not, please watch it now so we can discuss.  This was the video I used to introduce Breanne to Chace all those years ago and she shielded her eyes and said, “He’s so beautiful it hurts to look” and “Oh now he’s just pandering to his audience” (when he announced Tina Fey was his celebrity crush).

I choose to believe Chace was not pandering, but he is a man of substance and depth and loves Tina as she has always deserved to be loved by everyone.

Also I once dressed up as Liz Lemon so this can only help things on the Chace front, right?

Where was I?

I got distracted.

Maybe Rob is on to something.

9 Hollywood Men With The Ultimate Sexy Voices

10 Oct

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I’m a voice girl. If a guy has an outstanding voice I will often overlook his other not-so-outstanding characteristics and decide we can probably make this thing work as long as there’s a lot of talking involved. Now, repeat what you just said!

This love of voices has naturally bled into my obsession with television and movies. When a leading man’s raspy growl or smooth baritone hits me in the heart, I’m forever devoted.

Here are nine Hollywood men whose voices make me (at least a little) weak at the knees.

AND…now it’s your turn.

Who are your Hollywood voice obsessions?

Go.

That One Time I Binge-Watched Breaking Bad And Lost My Soul

1 Oct

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At one point last weekend I said, “Watching Breaking Bad is the only good thing going on in my life right now!” and refused to move from my bed for another 21 episodes.

You read that right.

Saturday morning I had 21 episodes to go to make the grand, great, finale of the grand, great show that is Breaking Bad, and I made it, folks.

I made it and it took its toll on my emotional health and at one point I looked up local therapists, but that’s neither here nor there.

I made it.

I made it.  I made it.  I made it.

I consider myself somewhat of a binge-watching TV expert.  After all, I’m the girl who sat in a dark room with her best friend watching Grey’s Anatomy on repeat, shrieking when said best friend’s mother tried to turn on a light.

I’m the girl who bought six McDonald’s diet cokes (four without ice) and refrigerated them so she could make it through a Dawson’s marathon with another best friend.

I’m the girl who should stop telling you these stories right now.

Also, thank you, best friends.  Thank you for everything.

Binge-watching Breaking Bad was different than all my past television experiences, though. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what this weekend was.  You see, immersing yourself in Breaking Bad isn’t like immersing yourself in a teen soap.  No one buys you a wall.  No one names their boat after you.

Breaking Bad drains your soul of all joy and whenever you think you can stop– “Maybe I can pause now.  This seems like a natural stopping point,” you realize, “Pause to do what?  Work? Shower? Move?  I WILL NOT BE HAPPY UNTIL THIS IS OVER.”

And then you laugh manically and wonder if you are part Walter White because what the hell was that sound coming out of your mouth?

And then you watch the next episode.

And then you run out of Candy Crush lives.

And then you check to see if you really did find every, single Aaron Paul picture on the internet and realize that yes, you did.

Yes, yes, you did.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I made it.

I made it.  I made it. I made it.

Also, Aaron Paul.

These Days, Yo

23 Sep

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Yo, I finally got the Breaking Bad bug and now my life’s mission is to catch up and watch the finale with the rest of the world, yo.

Yo, Jesse is a punk and I love him so, yo.

Yo, I’ve really, truly started to talk like this.

Yo, yo, yo.

Yo mama.

Too far.

This semester has been a busy one, in the “first world writer problems” sense of the word. I’m bogged down with school and SheKnows and scripts and stories. I’m stressing over poetry classes and writing conferences and What To Name My Characters.  I spend hours and hours immersed in make believe worlds with make believe problems and make believe triumphs, and whenever I catch myself complaining about being busy, I take a step back and realize that I’m fretting about things I love.

I’m very aware that this next year, these nine months of my life, are a gift. They are a stopgap, an in-between time where I don’t have to worry about the adult things like 401Ks and full-time employment just yet, and I have the freedom to devote my time to Shakespearean adaptations and discussing Rachelle’s latest McDreamy encounter and driving by The Bachelor Mansion on opening filming night.

Holy guacamole on a lime Chipotle chip is is my life charmed right now.

I’m very, very aware, yo.

 

DJ Kitty Cat: Teen Soap September

20 Sep

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Remember Caitlin aka DJ Kitty Cat aka master of Music and Playlists and Angst?  No?   You’re in luck!  DJ Kitty Cat is back AND she’s talking teen soaps.  Hallelujah! Yippee ki-yay!  Pacey Witter til the end of time!

Sometimes a song is so intertwined with a moment that when you hear it you are transported back in time to the instant it happened; the sights, the smells, the emotions all resurface leaving you dazed and confused, suspending your reality momentarily. Normal people reminisce on actual events that happened in their life when these songs come on shuffle. As an adult addicted to age-inappropriate one-hour teen dramas, I experience this memory recall whenever I hear something from a favorite episode of mine. The emotions, sights and drama I remember are so real to me that I forget that the characters are fictional, and I often wallow in distress for a few hours.

Here are five television-related songs that stir an illogical, visceral response in me upon hearing them.

1. Sway by The Perishers

Veronica Mars

I have been on a recent VM kick thanks to the major babe factor of 2006 Jason Dohring. The first and second season had many memorable moments, but the most impressionable came in the form of Logan & Veronica’s slow dance at Sadie Hawkins. The pair is barely on speaking terms at the dance due to Logan’s tumultuous summer as persona non grata numero uno with the PCH-ers. Logan is in a foul mood so Veronica swoops in and asks him to dance as damage control. The couple assumes the slow dance position awkwardly as the music starts up. As the song wears on…“I don’t want to hurt you like I know I’ve done before, I will not do it anymore,”… Veronica and Logan relax into each other, their eyes relaying the separation distress without words. Logonica back on.

2. Nothing Like You And I by The Perishers

Greek

The Perishers do it again. From the episode “Freshman Daze,” this song starts during a montage of flashbacks between the initial love triangle set up of Cappie/Casey/Evan that occurred during the freshman Greek Ball to the present day love triangle in disarray at the junior Greek Ball. Casey and Evan both reach for the last glass of champagne as the song swells “There’s nothing like you and I; so why do I even try.” I internalized this song to the relationship crisis I was experiencing at the time, a triangle akin to the one onscreen. Every time I hear it, it ruins me all over again.

3. Lost! by Coldplay

Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty gets overshadowed by a lot of other one-hour dramas. To be honest I don’t remember much of the series other than that Betty once had a romance with Josh Groban’s twin, which I was all for. However, this song remains one of the most episode-specific songs that I have in my recollection. The setting: Daniel has just found out that the child who he had just learned of was actually his sister’s child. Yeah, classy ABC.  After a moment of crisis, Daniel decides to side with the cliché “if you love them, let them go.” This song begins as his nephew is helicoptered back to France in a shady PR move, leaving childless Daniel behind in a flurry of dust, wind and dashed dreams of fatherhood.

4. Hide & Seek by Imogen Heap

The O.C.

A music moment so infamous that it has been parodied on SNL. Ryan and Trey battle it out over Marissa. Trey, clearly with the upperhand in physicality and hotness rails on Ryan as Marissa cry-yells in the corner. Trey reaches for the phone to bash Ryan’s head in. A shot. The gun falls out of Marissa’s hands. Cut to Trey hunched over, confused look on his face, hands clutched tight over his stomach. Close up as he pulls his hands away to reveal a gushing wound. Pan up to his face as he realizes he is going to die. “Mmm whatcha saaaaaaaay? Mmm that you only meant wellllllllllll? Well of course you did.”  Epic.

5. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Grey’s Anatomy

If you don’t cry at this scene in the Season 2 finale then you are a robot. Shonda’s finest moment resulting in the scene that won Katherine Heigl the Emmy. Boundary-blurred intern Izzie Stevens is laying in bed with her fiance’s corpse in a magenta prom dress, rambling on about how if she had only remembered that he was prone to blood clots or had not changed her dress so many times then she would have been able to save him. Bad boy with a heart of gold, intern Alex Karev, sweeps her off her feet in the height of her emotional hysteria and cradles her back and forth until she calms down. My high school boyfriend tried to say that this was “our song” but every time the two piano notes picked up at the start of the song I just pictured a grey, lifeless Denny, what would later become a symbol for my devastating love life in early adulthood.

11 Characters Who Left A Show Too Soon

22 Aug

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Last week, rumors swirled that Laura Prepon is leaving Orange is the New Black.  I immediately contacted everyone I know for emotional support.

Sure OITNB is an ensemble cast and, sure, one person may not make or break the show. But Alex?? She’s kind of make or break. She’s kind of one-third of a very interesting love triangle. She’s kind of a big deal.

While the future of Alex Vause remains unclear, the tale of a character leaving a show before their time is all too common. Actors go for a variety of reasons — to make it on the big screen, to address “personal issues,” to hurt me. It’s never pleasant. It never feels natural. I’m never okay with it.

Here are 11 other actors who left a show too soon aka 11 other departures I’m still not over.

ALSO, my latest from SheKnows:

Make your own elephant stilts or “The last time I will ever craft.”