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Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Mariah Carey

10 Jun

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I have 153 Mariah Carey songs on my ipod. That’s not a joke, a humble brag, an overt brag, or any type of brag at all. It’s simply a fact. I love Mariah Carey.

Mariah first entered my life when I was an impressionable elementary-schooler convinced “Fantasy” was the best song ever created. I’ve stuck by her side through the highs, the lows, the Bieber.

Mariah gets a lot of flack for her diva behavior and sometimes (often?) questionable interviews, but in the end, the woman can sing and she can sell a record and she does it all looking fabulous and never apologizing for who she is.

With her recent run on American Idol  and the success of her newest song “#Beautiful” (more on the title later), Mariah is back on the public’s radar. She never left mine. Here are a few things Mariah Carey taught me.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

I know I say “favorite” a lot, but my goodness was this article a delight to write.

Kristen Wiig’s Best Moments As A Young Lucille Bluth (Nailed It!)

29 May

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Kristen Wiig Daniel-Day-Lewised the part of young Lucille Bluth on Season 4 of Arrested Development. Somebody get that woman an Oscar, because my mind is blown.

Kristen not only managed to avoid the usual fate of a flashback character (“Get off my screen you cheap knock-off!”), but she actually became Lucille. The pursed lips. The bug eyes. The coolly delivered one-liners. Jessica Walter herself even sung Wiig’s praises, “She’s just wonderful. She must have studied tapes from the old days.”

Studied the tapes? Oh no. Kristen wrote the tapes. KRISTEN IS THE TAPES.

Here’s an overly in-depth look at Kristen Wiig’s role as young Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development as shown in pursed lips, bug eyes, and coolly delivered-one liners…

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

Can you tell I’m really into this return of Arrested Development thing?

The Best Ever TV Theme Songs

17 May

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A TV show’s theme song is a make or break thing. With the right song choice, it becomes iconic, is unable to be separated from the series itself, and brings warm fuzzy memories of our favorite characters rushing back to us with just the opening notes. With the wrong song choice we’re stuck with three long seasons of Hilary Duff (I’m talking to you, Laguna Beach).

Unfortunately the trend seems to be moving away from choosing big, bold songs to open a show in favor of a couple of musical notes, or no theme song at all (gasp!). This is a shame, because what would Friends be without The Rembrandts? Would I even recognize Cheers minus Gary Portnoy?

Before I give away any more of my choices, here is my very biased list of the best TV theme songs of all time…

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

Note: These are theme songs containing lyrics because, I mean, I had to narrow it down somehow.

Mindy Lahiri’s Love Interests

13 May

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Mindy Lahiri has dated more men in season one of The Mindy Project than some leads date in a 10-year series run. Week after week, we, as the viewer, have been privileged to watch Mindy use her comedic chops to interact with/date some of the quirkiest guest stars on television. The fact that Mindy herself is casting these men (along with producing, writing and starring in the show) just adds to the ever-growing “Reasons Why Mindy Kaling is a Goddess” list.

In honor of the season finale of The Mindy Project tomorrow, and to celebrate Mindy Kaling’s awesomeness in casting and comedy, here’s a guide to the season one love interests on The Mindy Project.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.  Because you know you love Mindy Kaling. And Mindy Lahiri.

On Screen Hairstyles That Have Made Me Want To Cut My Hair (Excluding The Rachel)

2 May

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Every single bad haircut in my life has started out the same way. “Um, yes. I would like you to make my hair look like this.” My hairdresser looks at the picture of a celebrity I am showing him. He looks back at my hair. I insist, “It will be great. It will revolutionize my life.”

And then it takes years to recover.

We’re all susceptible to the perfect on-screen hairstyle. It’s why half the world walked around with “The Rachel” for so long. We think we can do the impossible and pull off a hairstyle clearly not suited for us (or maybe anyone) just because we think it looks so great on screen. After a bad bout with red hair last year I’ve vowed not to base my hairstyle changes on the latest and greatest on-screen hair. Here are some on-screen hairstyles that make me want to break that promise and drastically alter my hair…

If you’re interested in all of my bad hair decisions in one place, read the rest of my article for Portable here.  I even found a way to mention the royal family.

5 TV Characters We Should Have Hated But Actually Loved

30 Apr

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All television shows have them — the characters specifically created to cause drama, break up a relationship, and/or foil the protagonist. The characters that simply by their description America will hate. “Girl to get in the middle of epic relationship.” “Inconsiderate boyfriend.” “Person who will throw entire family under the bus for a an extra dollar.”

Most of the time we do actually hate these characters (ahem, I’m talking to you Oliver Trask), but sometimes against all odds these characters manage to make themselves… likable. Not just likable, but they become beloved. They are analyzed to death. They reach cult status. They get their own spinoff shows.

Here are 5 television characters we should have hated but actually loved.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

Did I miss anyone?

The 5 Best Sibling Dance Routines On Television

29 Apr

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Ah, the sibling dance routine, a rite of passage/most awkward moment for many a youngster. My childhood dance routine with my brother included the school talent show, matching hats, and a song about the US Presidents. Thanks for that one, mom.

Whenever a television show decides to insert a sibling dance routine, usually years and even decades after it was appropriate, the result is comic genius. Maybe I’m just a sucker for bad dancing, but honestly I don’t know why we aren’t seeing more of this on television. I implore all shows to give us what we want — more adults doing awkward sibling dance routines

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

PS: This article was WAY too fun to write.

5 Important Life Lessons I Learned From Gilmore Girls

23 Apr

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The two women who have influenced my life the most are my mother and Lorelai Gilmore.

There it is.

It may seem like a dramatic statement, but I’m a dramatic person. Also, it’s the truth.

I credit Lorelai Gilmore with my love of Mallomars, my musical tastes, and my hyper-verbal, hyper-ridiculous personality. I firmly believe everything I need to know in life I learned from Gilmore Girls.

Here are a few things Gilmore Girls taught me.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

5 Leads Eclipsed By Supporting Characters

18 Apr

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It’s a tale as old as time — boring lead character is created to be the “relatable” one on a television series. Zany minor characters all-too-easily take over the show and our hearts. We wish lead character would be quietly killed off and never spoken of again. You know.

Here’s a look at 5 television leads eclipsed by their supporting characters.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.

Why We Still Care About Jonathan Taylor Thomas

17 Apr

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Last month, the internet buzzed as Jonathan Taylor Thomas returned to the small screen for a part on Last Man Standing. The announcement of his return was lauded as, “The best Valentine’s Day news of the year.” People.com ran an article about him and followed up with the headline, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas — famous or not — is still loved by fans.” Girls of the 90s rejoiced.

What is it about this former child star that inspires such excitement 15 years later? Why does an entire generation of girls still squeal when they hear his name? Why on earth am I one of those girls?

Here’s a look back at JTT’s career, our crush on him, and why we still care about Randy Taylor.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.