Internet Drama, Through My Personal Journal Notes

23 Sep

I wrote this a few weeks ago, back when the most important part of my life was that I didn’t have internet. I’m glad that is no longer the most important thing.

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I’ve had a really off day and I want to write it out. I want my anxiety and stress and sadness to drip off my fingers and into the fake ink of a fake word document on my real computer.

I want to feel right again.

Today I spent the majority of my day waiting for an internet technician who never ended up coming. It was the expectation that got me. I expected to have internet tonight. All day I made a list of things that I would do when I had internet.

I don’t have cell pone service at my new place, and I couldn’t leave to do things like submit homework assignments or respond to emails like a normal person. Instead I had a list. I list that grew.

I waited.
And waited.

At 9:00PM I ended up in Starbucks with a hazelnut hot chocolate and 30 minutes to accomplish everything on that list. My heart was pounding. My fingers tripped over each other.

I did it all. Did I sound ok? Did those emails make sense? Who knows who cares who what?

I wasn’t very kind about the internet fiasco. For the first three hours I was. I was longsuffering and demure. I ate bags of popcorn and read graphic novels telling myself that soon, soon! I would have internet and could be a productive human. Soon, soon! I would turn the day around.

Soonday never comes.

That was a really bad play on Brandi Carlile. Remember her?

The Story?

Oh woman, sometimes I miss that level of angst.

Maybe I found it tonight.

I feel bad about that.

On top of everything I feel bad that I wasn’t kinder to the person who was hours and hours and hours late and didn’t give me internet service or warning and then blamed me for it.

I want to be the kind of person who is a kind kind of person.

I want to talk to people who frustrate me in longer sentences than one word.

Today Anne Lamott posted a prayer that she says every day with her best friend after they hike their praying place. They go there to “lift up those who are struggling, including, sometimes, our tiny princess selves.”

Her prayer says:

We pray, Mother Father Creator Source, we need Your help! And we give you Thanks in advance for your tender mercies. We pray the praise of wow, our minds blown by this Beauty, and the greatest gift of close friends.

Prayers are like deep breaths. The exhale of so many anxieties and fears, the release of something you can’t do anything about.

Help.

Thanks.

Wow.

Remembering moments of grace even on this impossible day—finding a surprise gift card, locating every screw to put my bed back together, a Scholastic podcast on my way to do something I love with books.

Grace and breaths and exhales of wishes and concerns.

 

Even for me and my tiny princess self.

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