As Good As It Gets

7 Apr

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This week I went to my first yoga class in nearly a month.  I breathed and moved and failed to balance.  Shavasana was a chore, one of racing thoughts and a million to-dos.

Later Hilary and I got nachos. We decided to try the mole enchiladas.  Our waiter knew our order.

I commented to Hil that this is about as good as life gets.  Not in a depressing, Jack Nicholson way, but in a happy, yoga class on a cold afternoon and nachos with your best friend–that’s the stuff life is made of way.

Those are the things I need to hold on to.

I think I used to believe there was more.  That was good, yes, but obviously there was something better.  Something involving Europe and Prince Harry, probably.  A fabulous career and spiked stilettos. Something like that.

Birkenstocks and nachos and laughter were good and all, but I wanted great.

Later that day, I spent several hours pouring over every Zillow listing in a 50 mile radius of where I might want to live one day.  At first it started in good fun, as all Zillow dates start.  But then eventually came this desperate crushing feeling.  Soon I was researching elementary schools and grocery stores.  Googling churches and beaches and how much it costs to replace a roof.

I decided I was a do-it-yourself sort of gal and I could buy a home in ruins and transform it–no problem!

So long as there was a home!

Tell me there’s a home!

Somewhere in the third hour I realized that this fun Zillow date had taken a Stephen King-esque turn.  Zillow was my Christine and the car had gone of the rails.  It was trying to kill me and I was letting it.

This wasn’t about fun houses in a reasonable distance from the beach.  This was about my insatiable worry for my future.  My inability to just let it go and say, “It will all work out,” but to instead try to grab my future tightly and scream, “This is how it will happen, OK?”

I know.

I know that researching homes 50 miles from where I’d like to live, several years before I can even think of owning a home is not doing anything to help my life. It’s the basic prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom tells me that this Zillow “research” isn’t helpful.  That the only thing I can really do about my fear of the future wae the things I already do.  I’m working towards my goals.  I have a plan.

But it’s too far away!

And there are no spiked stilettos!

Recently a friend and I were talking about our futures. She and I have extremely different lives at the moment, about as opposite as they can get.  Our goals are very different as well.  But we share one thing–we’ve never seen someone with the future we want.

We are afraid we can’t have the lives we so desperately desire and work for because we’ve never seen them.

Several days after this conversation I thought,

Of course no one else has the life I want!

No one else is me!

It seems so simple when I put it like that.

It doesn’t feel so simple, though.  It feels wrapped in our gender and our culture and the way that we never ask men if they can have it all.

It feels very complicated.

I’m worried about my future.

Hil reframed my Zillow date to a positive, saying that this is actually a strength of mine gone a little off course.  I care a lot.  I research and pay attention to eery detail.

And I do.

Gosh I do.  I care so much.  Sometimes (often) (always) it’s exhausting caring this much about every single thing.

But this wasn’t a positive.

This was Stephen King.

Tomorrow I’ll go to yoga again. My mind will be more on track, hopefully, or maybe it won’t.  And I will give myself grace and I will sit through the shavasana and I will count myself lucky that I can go at all.  That my body moves and that I have midday off and that my best friend currently lives 10 minutes from me and can get nachos with me whenever she wants.

I will do this and I will not check Zillow.

I will do this and laugh and laugh and smile and breathe remember

This is as good as it gets.

This

This moment

is great

 

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2 Responses to “As Good As It Gets”

  1. Hilary April 8, 2016 at 10:38 am #

    It is pretty darn great.

    Yes to onions and jalapeños.

  2. Voskosmos April 28, 2016 at 7:52 am #

    Your writing really speaks to my heart, it’s like you’re talking directly to me. Thank you.

Leave a Reply to Voskosmos