Addicted to Fresh Starts

11 Jun

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I’m feeling restless again.

I almost said I’m feeling restless (period), but that’s surely not true.  Just because I can’t remember a time when I was feeling like this doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.

I’m restless because things are calm.  I don’t know how to do calm things.

I’m learning, slowly, how to do calm relationships.

I find myself trying to create excitement and change in my life, constantly.

There’s a trick, I think, to embracing the calm.

A trick to saying, here’s my circumstances, I’m making the most of them.

I’m addicted to fresh starts.

I realize this about myself.

I’m addicted to the idea of a new beginning–a new job, a new apartment, a new roommate–all of these things are going to kickstart some new change in my life.  These things are going to be the deciding factor, after which all of the things I’ve planned on doing and becoming will begin.

I know this is not true.

And yet I yearn for fresh starts.

I tried to make a list of summer things I want to do in LA this year.

The list was short and boring.  Have I done everything I want to do in LA?  Am I over LA?  Where’s next?

Or is there not a next?  Is this part of life, the calm part?

It’s easy to reach for the next thing.  This work promotion, this weekend, this retreat will change it all.

There will be some Big Break.

I know this is not the case.

There are two options for changing your life, really, when you boil it all down to the basics.

You can make some dramatic change.  Quit your social work career.  Move away from London.

Or you can say, this is my life right now.  I can’t/don’t want to/won’t change something major, so this is what I’m working with.  What do I do next?

I’ve done both.  In some ways the second one is harder than the first.  The first is more tangible.

Put in your notice.

Book a plane ticket.

The second one is the day-to-day stuff.

I get bored.

This is what I’m realizing.

I get bored with day-to-day.  I’m constantly craving stimulation and excitement.

I’ve lived, in the past, for the rollercoaster of a relationship, the breathlessness of the beginning, the peaks and falls of the fighting.  When you’re in a dysfunctional relationship all you get is stimulation.

It changes how you respond to things.

I need overstimulation.

I crave it and seek it.

I am restless and a new job and a new city and a new life is not the answer.

I don’t think.

I am restless and now I must take a deep breath, I must go after the dreams that are still far away, and I must make the best of what my life is.

But I am restless.

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4 Responses to “Addicted to Fresh Starts”

  1. tara June 12, 2015 at 7:46 am #

    This exactly describes how I’ve been feeling/living my whole life. And being a SAHM, though great, is full of the day to day stuff.

  2. Bailey Brewer June 12, 2015 at 11:03 am #

    I was looking at another graduate program, and my BF asked me if I was just using it as something to keep myself from writing.

    I’m finding that the whole act of sitting down and actually writing my book is a boring, calm, boring time. But I should be grateful that my life isn’t chaotic and filled with anxiety and sadness like it has been and instead embrace this chance to sit in my chair.

    I feel you. And what’s that thing they say? Self awareness is the first step to moving forward? OK that’s not what they say, it’s more like “Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.” But I don’t want to say you have a problem because a) that would be rude and b) you’re just human.

    I would advise to dig your heels in for a bit and see how you feel down the road. Deep breaths.

    — BB

  3. Valerie June 14, 2015 at 7:01 pm #

    I do this all the time. Some days it’s a drastic haircut. Other days it’s declaring to everyone that I’m going to move halfway across the world. Maybe it’s ADHD on a whole new level–not being able to settle down or invest any significant amount of time in any stage of life.

  4. Elise Cooper June 23, 2015 at 2:26 pm #

    I am so similar. I get actual physical anxiety symptoms when I’m feeling wrestles. I have too much of an adventuress and wondering heart. Growing up in the military and now dating a man in the military has not helped at all with this. I would say being patient and remaining present is the hardest thing for me. But sometimes it’s necessary. Even if I can’t see why in that exact moment, time will bring it all to light, and I’ll be glad I stayed and enjoyed the “calm”.

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