Give Yourself Time

27 May

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I recently had dinner with a friend who is in the midst of heartbreak.

She’s at that point where tears might come at any moment, where nothing seems like it will be OK ever again.  Where you make bold, dramatic statements about your life and the relationship and where you see your life without the relationship.

“I’m always going to want him,” she told me.  “I will always, always regret that it ended like this.”

I paused for a moment.  Those words are familiar to me, I’ve spoken them.  I’ve taken them further than she did.

“You say that now,” I tell her.  “You say that now and you feel that now, but that is not your final feeling.  No feeling is final.  Give yourself time.”

Give yourself time.

That’s my only breakup advice.

I feel like I should have more, that when people come to me shattered and manic, I should have something profound to say on the topic.

All I have is give yourself time.

A lot of time.

Maybe years and years of time.

Also, be kind to yourself for what you did when you were heartbroken.

There’s a part in Grey’s Anatomy where Meredith looks McDreamy in the eyes and says I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.

I’ve had a similar conversation with myself.

I will learn from how I tried to fix what was broken.  But I don’t apologize for it. I don’t think I could have done better than I did when I did it.

Heartbreak is so hard.

There are no easy answers.  There is only time.

And eventually confidence.

Heartbreak does that to you, I suppose.

Total heartbreak turns you inside out.  It makes you about as insecure as you can be–in yourself, your life, your choices.  And then, once you’re on the other side, when you’ve finally, finally made it to the place you were sure didn’t exist–you love yourself a lot more.

There should be a better way to put that, a less cheesy way, maybe, but that’s all I keep thinking of.

I love myself a whole lot more now.

“Would you go back?” she asked me.

“No,” I said.  “My life is so much better now.”

“Wow,” she said.

“I can’t imagine,” she said.

Time does that.  It heals wounds, just like everyone always claimed it did.

Suddenly the person who was everything, the person who you needed to tell the details of your life to, who was your sun, moon, stars and every single grain of sand–suddenly it’s different.  And not so suddenly, actually.

Over time.  You build your new life.

That’s what you do post breakup.

You build a world in which they do not exist, except as a reminder of what kind of love to accept or the type of person you will be.

And one day they are not the first person on your list to call.

One day they are not the second.

One day they don’t make the list.

And you fill your life with new people, with new happiness.

You find yourself, build yourself, make yourself a new life.

That takes time.

Give yourself time.

That’s my heartbreak advice.

Give yourself time.

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5 Responses to “Give Yourself Time”

  1. Kendel May 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm #

    100% true! Time is absolutely key. I thought it was the most cliche piece of advice until I had my own experience with it. Now it’s the VERY first thing I say 🙂

    • jillianlorraine May 31, 2015 at 11:00 pm #

      I feel like it’s the only possible thing to say, which sounds dramatic, but there it is, ha!

  2. Christine May 28, 2015 at 4:56 am #

    So much yes in this post. Very wise!

    • jillianlorraine May 31, 2015 at 10:57 pm #

      Thank you!

  3. Erin June 1, 2015 at 3:40 pm #

    I’m still using my pseudonym ha! But I loved hearing this in person and reading it now. I will try to remember this lesson in everything I do. Motherhood, starting a new career or relationship… it just takes time!

    Love you lots!

Leave a Reply to Kendel