I Should Have Known Then

5 Feb


“Do you read my blog?” I asked him.  He rolled his eyes and sighed, as though I had posed a difficult question just for the sake of it.  As though this would start something.

“I’ve read parts,” he said.

“What does that mean?” I pushed.

He sighed again, “Jill, asking me to read your blog is like me asking you to read a car manual.  It’s just not that interesting for either of us.”

I recoiled.  This was the man I loved telling me that my thoughts, my words, my life weren’t that interesting.

I should have known then.

I showed up on Cape Cod broken and bruised.  My heart felt like it no longer existed, that after so many repeated beatings and shatterings it had just turned to dust, scattered across the rest of my body.  The pain was always with me.

I had kind of, sort of invited myself to Rob’s house for his annual Cape trip.  Granted, he seemed eager about the idea, but I suggested it.  I needed it.  I wanted it.

He said yes.

I took a bus from Boston to the outer Cape.  I felt conspicious, like the people around me could look at me and see my flaws.  “That girl.  There’s something seriously wrong with her.”

“That girl.  Stay away.”

I stared out the window, letting my thoughts twist and turn. I didn’t know how my life could be right again, not in a dramatic way, but in a “if I fix this thing, then my life will no longer be my life.  I will be starting completely over” way.

It didn’t scare me.  It didn’t anything.

It just was.

I got off the bus at my stop, found my bag and looked around.  There he was.

Rob smiled at me.  He was wearing a swimsuit and t-shirt, a Nantucket baseball cap on his head, Ray-Bans on his face.  He came up to me, awkwardly.  He’s always awkward.

“Give me a hug,” I said.  I knew he would never touch me without being asked.

He did.

We got in his car and turned on the music, the trees whizzing past.

“I’m so sad,” I told him.

He knew this, of course. He talked to me every day.  He knew just how sad I was.

“Well, we’re in the business of cheering people up here,” he said.

He made me laugh.

I should have known then.

Rob asks me every day when I’m going to blog.  “More blog,” he says.  “Always more blog.”

He once admitted to me that he fell in love with me because of my blog.  That my thoughts and words and life made me irresistible to him.

He fell in love with my writing, he said.

I should have known then.

I do know now.

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One Response to “I Should Have Known Then”

  1. sarah February 8, 2015 at 10:15 am #

    i love this so much.

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