Joni Mitchell Never Lies

9 Jul

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I like my cookies melted not baked, is what.

Which really doesn’t have much to do with anything, but kind of has everything to do with everything because I’m sitting here with a pile of melted cookies in my lap and a Diet Dr. Pepper in my hand and all I can think is I like my cookies melted.

Let’s start a movement.

People against baked cookies!

Number two.

Did you know Janet Jackson did a remix of Big Yellow Taxi featuring Q-Tip? It’s ridiculous, let’s get that out of the way now.  But there’s this part where Q-Tip raps, “Joni Mitchell never lies” and I’m thinking that may be the title of my memoir.

Joni Mitchell Never Lies: The Jillian Denning Story.

I recently went to the Grammy Museum solely to see the California Dreamin’ exhibit and any and all Joni Mitchell memorabilia therein.  The exhibit had all these photos of Joni looking fabulous and plucking Appalachian dulcimers and such.  There was this one picture of Joni inspecting her painting for the album Clouds and it was just perfect.

Of course Joni paints her own album covers.

When I find out things like this I get this inner soul craving to move to the middle of nowhere and paint and write and create and be.

And grow peach trees.

Peach trees are always part of this fantasy of mine.

In this dream life, when friends and family visit, I answer the door barefoot in a mumu, having painted abstract representations of Rhett Butler’s marriage proposal all day.  I welcome my visitors in for tea in chipped cups and a peach or twelve.

We discuss books and life and Joni Mitchell until the sun sets, and then I wake up, stretch, grab a peach, and do it all again.

My fantasies these days revolve more and more around the time when I’m a full-time writer, able to do what I love from first peach to last peach.

I crave that time.

I wonder when it will happen.

I wonder if it will happen.

I wonder how many nights of sleep I will have to give up before it can happen.

Is that the answer, after all?  To do it all you just can’t sleep?  I’ve been wondering that a lot lately as I’ve struggled to balance working and freelancing and blogging and fiction writing and girlfriending and friending and daughtering and reading and exercising.

How do people do life?

What part am I missing?

Or are we all slightly disappointed in what we accomplish all of the time?

It’s the Sylvia Plath fig tree thing, I think. 

I want every option in my commitment phobic existence.  I hate choosing one thing because that means I didn’t choose another, and so I find myself watching the figs of my life wrinkling and dying and plopping to the ground in front of me as I sit and fray the ends of my hair in anxiety.

Sometimes these figs are big scale dreams and life-altering choices.  And other times, like this time in my life, I’m watching small, daily figs go black in front of me and I don’t know how to stop the process.

I want to blog, but if I choose to blog I won’t work on that novel.

Plop.

If I choose to work on that novel, I won’t exercise.

Plop.

If I choose to exercise, I won’t spend time with that friend or that love or that fictional character I’m falling for.

Plop. Plop. Plop.

And on and on and round it goes.

Plop.

Plopp.

Ploppp.

Sylvia Plath And Joni Mitchell Never Lie:  The Jillian Denning Story.

 

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6 Responses to “Joni Mitchell Never Lies”

  1. sarah July 10, 2014 at 9:22 am #

    i love this: “I hate choosing one thing because that means I didn’t choose another, and so I find myself watching the figs of my life wrinkling and dying and plopping to the ground in front of me as I sit and fray the ends of my hair in anxiety.” i’ve been thinking a lot about exactly that lately. how do people choose?

  2. Heidi July 10, 2014 at 9:53 am #

    “Or are we all slightly disappointed in what we accomplish all of the time?” Wow, that thought has been circling my waking and sleeping brain a lot lately……..also the peach tree dream, maybe we all have that too?

  3. Shannon W July 10, 2014 at 10:30 am #

    I’d really go for a peach right now. Sometimes I think you creep into my brain and steal my thoughts.

    p.s. Don’t tell people what you see when you’re in there.

  4. Tara July 17, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

    Jill- I just finished a fabulous book called “start” by Jon Acuff. It’s filled with sarcasm and all lovely kinds of writing bu it’s about going from average to awesome. Anyway, do what you want with that but I loved it.

    • jillianlorraine July 18, 2014 at 3:44 pm #

      Ooh I’m always excited about new book recommendations!

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