B is for Bad Call

2 Apr


I believe there are two main groups of people in the world: those who think about/utilize/enjoy fart jokes and those who do not.

I fall into the latter category.

Like in a major way.

A boy once texted me a fart joke and I stopped speaking to him.  In a smart move, he tried to apologize with nachos and I said “not enough.  I’m still not over the fart joke” and I continued to ignore him.

It took us some time recover.

We may still be recovering, I don’t know.

This is not to say I don’t love and appreciate people who fall into the first category.  Hilary, for instance, is a big poop joker.  Her essay for our Fall Literary Arts Festival was entitled “Everybody Farts” and when she applies for jobs she throws a good poop joke or two into her cover letter just to be well rounded.

Hilary is also the type of person who texts her mother this for April Fools’ Day:

Love you! (not an April Fools)

You’re not my favorite person (an April Fools)

So this is what we’re dealing with.  I have to be her friend, no matter her stance on bodily functions, because she’s just that sweet FOR REAL.


I’m telling you all this not because I have to blog 26 times this month and I’ve already resorted to fart jokes, but simply because I have to blog 26 times this month and have already resorted to fart jokes AND I need to illustrate my point.

Which is this:

There are fart jokers and then there are no non-fart jokers.

There are April Foolers and there are non April Foolers.

And these tend to line up.  When I told Hilary I’m not an April Fools’ person she said, “Obviously.  April Fools’ is for us poop joke people.”

I don’t do April Fools’.

In fact, yesterday after I published my Cinderella celebrity post and a few people thought it was an April Fools’ joke I had to check the calendar.  I started the blogging challenge with that post even though the encounter was three weeks ago because it’s a dang good story and I’ve been saving up.

It’s also true.

I have a witness named Miss Hilary Frances Marie Miller and she didn’t calm down for several hours after it happened.

Also I don’t like fart jokes.

I mean, what else do you need to believe me?

Other things that I’ve recently done that could be construed as April Fools’ jokes but are not:

1. I bought, altered, and wore a panda flannel nightgown in public.

2. I called this nightgown a “panda muumuu” to feel better about myself.

3. I purchased 22 $1.99 rings from Urban Outfitters and have taken to wearing at least 9 at once. (I counted.  These are actual numbers.)

4. I bought an impromptu Celine Dion ticket to Vegas, drove all day to see her, and cried during “My Heart Will Go On.”

5. I made a “drove all day” Celine Dion pun.

6. I took a selfie with Michael at Celine Dion and called it a “Celfie.”

9. I made two Celine Dion puns in one blog post.

10. I theme-dressed for a game of laser tag in a Heisenberg shirt and purple lipstick and was rewarded with the laser tag host saying, “Watch out for that one.”

11. I then sat out the second laser tag game because I’m old and lame and no one needs to watch out for me.

12. I almost took solo photobooth shots while the rest of my friends played laser tag.

13. I got a KFC meal, walked to McDonald’s for Coke products, decided I needed an ice cream cone and fries from McD’s, and then had a sudden urge for baked beans and walked BACK to KFC.

14. I sent an email to my one-hour drama class announcing I had cast the male leads in the British teen soap I’m writing as Brooklyn Beckham and Rafferty Law and told them to “stay tuned” for which boy wins the heart of our young protagonist.

15. I titled this blog post “bad call” in reference to the bad call of mine to post a slightly unbelievable story on April Fools’ Day and then forgot to say “bad call” in the whole blog post.

OK so posting the celebrity story on April Fools’ Day was a bad call.

But the story is true.

Also I don’t like fart jokes.

There we go.

Day 2, you have been conquered!

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7 Responses to “B is for Bad Call”

  1. Rachel G April 2, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    I’m the rare anti-fart joke but very pro-April Fool’s variety. strange, huh?

    • jillianlorraine April 2, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

      A unicorn!

  2. Canadian Expat Mom April 2, 2014 at 1:13 pm #

    I LOVE a good fart joke, but hate April fools day…it’s too much like lying. Not into it. But hit me with a fart joke any day!

  3. Hilary Miller April 3, 2014 at 11:59 am #

    I support the theory! haha

  4. Shelina April 4, 2014 at 5:29 am #

    I’m riding in between on this one. I think I do enjoy bathroom humor but not always. I think delivery and timing are everything. For example, my roommate loves to discuss things during meals together and I have to gently remind her that I have a sensitive stomach. I think I’ve just outgrown April fools day. It came and went and didn’t even phase me.

  5. anna April 4, 2014 at 9:53 am #

    I’m like you. I don’t like fart jokes and I don’t do April Fool’s.

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