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Me As A Bachelor Contestant

17 May

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See the bios for Rachel’s guys here

Age: 29

Occupation: Librarian

Height: 5’9”

Tattoos: No. The thought of getting one gives me the chills. I can’t make up my mind on a Taco Bell order let alone something permanent ON MY BODY I AM VAIN. I know I would regret a tattoo immediately after. Further, where would I get one? If it was on my arm would I have to wear long sleeves at work always? What about my ankle? Is that overdone? IS THERE A GOOD PLACE?

Chills. Again.

(I see I’m setting the tone here to be a really fun contestant.)

Do you have any phobias that would prohibit your participation in certain activities? Animals.

(The producers would then force me in a cage at a petting zoo so I could cry and tell the Bachelor about the time I was attacked by goats at the Las Vegas Zoo which is a true story.)

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why?

My 2008 friend trip to Europe. It was my first time out of the country and I felt the world expand around me.

What is your ideal mate’s personality like?

Obsessed with me. Hates Donald Trump. Funny. Smart. Neurotic. Above all, kind. Doesn’t care about gender roles.

What’s the closest you have ever come to being married?

I am engaged right now what sort of question is this.

If you could watch any movie right now what would it be and why?

About Time.

I love their wedding—her in her thrifted red dress and him in his stately childhood home and so many toasts. As I think about my wedding I want to create that cozy sort of feeling. The feeling of vintage frocks and going with the flow and no regrets even with the rain.

(I go with the flow! See the tattoo answer!)

Tell us a fun story about a one-night stand: Nope

What is your greatest achievement to date?

My Instagram account

(This would show I have a sense of humor, but then some people would believe me and I would already have haters trolling me and this is why I couldn’t do The Bachelor. I am so wildly, incredibly sensitive.)

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?

This feels like a lot of pressure.

What is your favorite television show and why?

Gilmore Girls. Because I grew up with it and it made me a grownup.

Some TV For You

16 Apr

Every time I finish a show I really like I sit around and pout. Why is there nothing good on? Why don’t I ever like anything?

The truth is, there’s a lot of good things on and I do like a lot of things and this post is to remind you of that. Wait! I mean, remind me.

1. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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This is Amy Sherman Palladino’s new show and you can watch the pilot on Amazon. It’s got the classic Palladino rapid fire dialogue and quirky characters. (Remember Drella from Gilmore Girls? She’s like a major character in this.) And lest you fret, it was picked up for TWO SEASONS by Amazon (a first), so go Amy and go go go Rachel Brosnahan who shines bright like a diamond through every single bit of this experience.

2. Search Party

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Yowza! It’s 10 sitcom episodes so you can blow through them all in the time one Bachelorette episode takes. Another show about hipsters in New York, just what we need! But it’s self-aware and the characters are alive and I had this moment where I laughed so hard I surprised myself. It’s unexpected to laugh like that. And then there are places the show goes I had no idea where it was taking me and whoa. Yowza!

3. Catastrophe

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A romantic comedy about two people who end up having a baby together after only knowing each other for a weekend. It’s so realistic sometimes you want to cringe. Like this is how people are. These are what fights look like. It’s also really funny and has Carrie Fisher in her last role.

4. Younger

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By the creator of Sex and the City and (the original) 90210, Younger stars HILARY DUFF. What more do you need?? (Pretend that was in all caps, I didn’t want to be obnoxious.) Hilary is great, as expected, so is Sutton Foster, who plays a woman in her 40s pretending to be 26. There’s a love triangle and let me just say, since when did we hate love triangles? I live for love triangles hi Pace. It’s just fun and frothy and such a nice break from reality.

5. Love

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My latest love, hardy har har. Paul Rust plays a neurotic man everything thinks is Jewish (my type) and Gillian Jacobs shines as what could have been a MPDG, but has turned into a really nuanced, beautiful performance. It’s a romantic comedy at its core, and it’s smart and genuine and really, really compelling.

6. Riverdale

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There’s a new teen soap in town and I’m keeping up largely because of Luke Perry being cast in the above role…and Cole Sprouse. What? Also, for the first time in history, when faced with the “bad girl/good girl” dilemma I am the Betty. I think Betty just kills her role as the overachiever with issues and I’m the Cosette this time, the blonde good girl WHAT.

7. Big Little Lies

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But what more needs to be said, really?

 

Things I’m excited for: The Handmaid’s Tale and the final season Veep coming out this month hey.

Also Golden Girls on Hulu hey-II.

Also anyone watching 13 Reasons Why? Seems like it’s up next.

The Best TV shows of 2016

19 Dec

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1. CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND

Ok listen I feel like I have to shout here. This show has like NO ratings. No one is watching this thing. People are already saying it’s going the way of Arrested Development or Freaks and Geeks. A weird little show doing weird little things to a weird little audience that will likely be cancelled way ahead of its time. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. WATCH THIS. It’s on Netflix so you can start there, but then join me in giving your Friday nights to this important cause.

If this doesn’t convince you please watch these music videos. PLEASE.

 2. This is Us

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I’m following along with the rest of you and I’m liking it and that’s about all there is to say.

 3. Fleabag

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In the words of my brother, a devastating show.  It is well paced and well acted and it is remarkably devastating. I’ve heard this year described as the year of the complicated female on TV and I say every year should be the year of the complicated female and wow-e-zow the ending and let’s just say female not complicated female.

 4. Insecure

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Another one of those female shows! It’s like I have a type or something! Issa Ray is phenomenal phenomenal phenomonal and her friend Molly is equally wonderful. It’s their love story, above all.

 5. Fuller House

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What? What is this doing on the list? Listen, everyone is like ugh Fuller House is so lame. I watched it in a day.

If you are watching it in a day it is doing something really right and just because it’s not the really right of, say, an Emmy winner, that doesn’t mean it’s also really, really right in its own way.

Team Steve Always and Forever. And not in the T Swift way.

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Reality TV shows of mention include Fixer Upper and Married at First Sight fight me.

At that Moment Everything Was Truth

17 Jul

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There’s an episode of Girls this season where Marnie runs into her ex, Charlie.  Once upon a time Marnie and Charlie were in love, they were together, they were family.  Now Charlie is sitting by the side of the street and Marnie is wearing her sweatpants and it takes them a moment to recognize each other.

What follows is a beautiful sequence in truth and love and the things we let ourselves believe.

Marnie and Charlie spend the night in suspended reality.  Marnie at one point tells Charlie that she wrote half her album about him.  The tension is thick.  They have history.  They love each other.

They love each other?

They get back to Charlie’s apartment.  He has a trash bag over his window, a tattoo on his chest that says something about being “humble” and a false accent as part of his gig as a drug dealer.  Charlie is not what Marnie wants.

Marnie is married.

They talk.  “What am I going to do about you?” Marnie asks.  Charlie suggests they run away the next day.  That they move somewhere and start a general store, somewhere that has a general store.  Marnie smiles, Charlie smiles.  “You were my family,” she says.  He remembers her uncles names, the particulars of her life.

It’s intoxicating.

In the morning Charlie lies to Marnie about his drug use.  It’s the wake up call from the fugue state they’ve been in.  That night wasn’t real.  Well it was real, and the things they were saying were coming from deep places of hurt and loss and sadness and loneliness.  But it also wasn’t real.

It reminds me of a Brothers Karamazov quote a friend sent me years ago.  She’s the type of friend who signs her emails, “light” like I’ve just started signing mine “best.”

 

“That’s why I loved you, for your magnanimous heart!” escaped suddenly from Katya.  “and you do not need my forgiveness, nor I yours; it’s all the same whether you forgive or not, all my life you will remain a wound in my soul, and I in yours – that’s how it should be…,” she stopped to catch her breath. 

“Why have I come?” she began again, frenziedly and hastily.  “To embrace your feet, to squeeze your hands, like this, till it hurts – remember how I used to squeeze your hands, like this, till it hurts – remember how I used to squeeze them in Moscow? – to say to you that you are my God, my joy, to tell you that I love you madly.”  She nearly groaned from suffering, and suddenly, greedily pressed her lips to his hand.  Tears streamed from her eyes. 

Alyosha stood speechless and embarrassed; he had never expected to see what he was seeing.

“Love is gone Mitya!” Katya began again, “but what is gone is painfully dear to me.  Know that, for all eternity.  But now, for one minute, let it be as it might have been, “ she prattled with a twisted smile, again looking joyfully into his eyes.  “ you now love another, I love another, but still I shall love you eternally, and you me, did you know that?  Love me, do you hear, love me all your life!” she exclaimed with some sort of almost threatening tremor in her voice. 

“I shall love you, and you know, Katya,” Mitya also began to speak catching his breath at each word, “five days ago, that evening, you know, I loved you…when you collapsed, and they carried you out…all my life! It will be so, eternally so…”

Thus they prattled to each other, and their talk was frantic, almost senseless, and perhaps also not even truthful, but at that moment everything was truth, and they both utterly believed what they were saying. 

 

Yes.

Their talk was frantic, almost senseless, and perhaps also not even truthful, but at that moment everything was truth, and they both utterly believed what they were saying.

 

I’ve had a night like this, once, in my own upon a time.  The type of night that sticks with you because it was surreal and yet boundlessly important.  Because you made big decisions without thought and went back on them in the morning. Because it was truth and it was not truth.

 

Lena Dunham doesn’t always get it, but when she does, she’s freaking Dostoyevsky.

What Are Rory Gilmore’s Exes Up To in 2015?

16 Apr

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Rory Gilmore’s love life is a hotly debated topic, at least in the circles I’m a part of.  The boy you think is best for Rory, the boy you think is best for you, how much time you spend pondering these questions—well, it says a lot about a person.

At the end of Gilmore Girls, Rory walked off into the sunset single and ready to take on the world of journalism.  I like to picture her life now, sometimes.  I imagine she’s still working her way up the career ladder, the real world harder than she thought.  I imagine she and Lorelai are closer than ever and that she has a new half sibling or two she dotes on (maybe with sock puppets).

Occasionally I imagine the lives of the boys she once loved.

What are Dean, Jess and Logan up to in 2015?

Have any of them moved on?  How hung up are they on Rory’s bright mind and blue eyes?

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Dean Forester:

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Oh dear Dean.  Dean still sports a bowl cut, I’m sorry to say.  He never realized his haircut was dated in high school, and he still doesn’t.  Dean still lives in Stars Hollow, too.  After Rory unceremoniously broke up with him at her birthday party, Dean drove to Lindsay’s, begged her to take him back, and in her bland, Lindsay way she said yes basically immediately.  Lindsay still makes him a pot roast every Sunday.  He still works at Doose’s, though he’s made his way up to the coveted assistant manager position. On Saturdays you can find him at Gypsy’s tinkering with cars, or hanging out with Kyle, his best bud from Stars Hollow High.  He and Lindsay have four children named Sophia, Emma, Jackson and Aiden, incidentally all in the top 10 current most popular names.

He calls out Rory’s name during sex only twice a year at this point.

Jess Mariano:

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Jess, to the surprise of some who didn’t know him, none who knew him, found his calling in the literary world.  After writing three independent novels only a handful of people even knew about, Jess published his work of staggering genius, a coming-of-age tale we haven’t seen since Salinger himself.  Jess has been compared to the literary greats ever since, and while he says he dislikes it, he really relishes the praise.  Jess has become the poster child for a new generation of beatniks, but falls the way of Jack Kerouac before him.  He’s single, often finding himself using women for the stories they provide him, never quite able to attain inner peace.  He dedicated his Great Novel to Luke Daynes.

He and Rory catch up over lunch in the city once a year.

Logan Huntzberger:

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Logan was made the head of Huntzberger Enterprises after Mitchum had a sudden and fatal heart attack during a board meeting gone wrong.  Logan was forced to move to New York and start his future prematurely, and he went kicking and screaming.  After nearly driving the company to the ground, Logan did what he always should have done—ceded control of the business to his sister, Honor.  He remains on the board of directors of Huntzberger Enterprises, but can’t be bothered to show up to any actual meetings.  Logan currently lives in London where his best friends are Prince Harry and Night Clubs.  Many fear he will never grow up.

He still drunk texts Rory every once in a while.  She’s always classy about it.

Urine Mints Man:

Rory’s only other date in the seven years we followed her life, a guy so bland we don’t remember his name, Urine Mints Man never quite recovered from his poor Rory date.  He’s become a dating and life coach and often tells the story of his fateful Rory interaction.

In Which Hannah Horvath Chooses Healthiness And I Cry

23 Mar

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*This post contains Girls spoilers*

At the end of this season of Girls we finally see the feminine leads saving themselves.  Shoshanna decides to move to Japan for her dream job (or something like it).  Jessa announces she’s going to become a therapist.  Marnie performs solo on stage and kills it.

And what of our lead, our bold Hannah Horvath?

Hannah chooses healthiness.

Adam approaches Hannah after a shared traumatic experience. He says he misses her and wants her and he held on to all the wrong things when he let her go.

Hannah cries and says she can’t.

I can’t, she says.

Yes you can, he says.

I can’t, she says again.

And I cried.

Earlier in the season, Adam and Hannah had perhaps the best breakup I’ve ever seen on TV.

Adam looks at Hannah and says,

Did you think it was working between us?

We tried this all different kinds of ways.  I don’t know any other ways. Do you?

The scene was so brilliant I’ve thought about it ever since.  I don’t know any other ways, do you?

It makes me reflect on the delusions we hold while in relationships.  How Hannah can imagine that if they just try harder or try more it will work.  It will work.  They love each other!  It has to work.

Girls gets to me usually on a small scale.  I relate to Hannah probably more than I’m comfortable with.  When her boss says, “You’re an adult.  And I know it sucks but you just have to start at least trying to keep at least some stuff inside,” I squirm.  Because I say all my feelings as they happen.  I share and share again.  I keep nothing inside. I am the teenager in an adult body that Hannah is.

Over-identifying with small-scale Girls stuff I’m used to.  But the large-scale stuff?

That stuff has me in tears.

When I see Hannah looking the man she loves in the eye and saying I can’t, I imagine all the unspoken words.

I can’t choose this cycle again.

I can’t go through this heartache.

I know how this goes.  I know how this ends.

I love you.

I want you.

I can’t I can’t I can’t.

The season ends with Hannah, six months later, holding hands with the nice guy from school, the guy who seems so very kind and good and healthy.

I cry and cry and cry.

And then I call Rob and tell him I love him.

Because I chose healthiness.

Maybe that’s what we do as adults.

Maybe that’s what our 20s are about.

Learning to choose healthiness.

Saying I can’t.

Maybe that’s what growing up is.

In Which I Attend The Live Premiere Of The Bachelor

12 Jan

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Shall we start with how I made The Bachelor Ellen-ripoff selfie?

There I am in the back looking…angry?  Odd?  Annoyed?

I should have posed.  No one informed me of the picture, shockingly.

I should have posed.

All right, all right, what’s next?  Maybe a creepy screenshot?

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I’ll be honest, I imagined if I was ever on The Bachelor, the world would stop, Twitter would break, memes would be made of my face.  ”That girl in the audience,” people would say in incredulous tones, “Did you see that fabulous girl in the audience expressing with her face what we have all felt but never before been able to convey?”

I have the gift of facial expressions, it’s handed down from my mother.  I wear my heart on my face, my emotions in my eyes,  my annoyances on my chin, and while none of this makes sense, you get it.

And yet I was on The Bachelor and there aren’t any memes.

Wait!

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It’s a terrible, lazy meme!

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Two terrible, lazy memes!

Three french hens!

All right, I’m getting off course.

I learned a lot from my 9 hours with reality TV for the live premiere of The Bachelor.

I learned that in order to look good on screen you need to wear an inordinate amount of makeup, and that if you aren’t you will look shiny and odd.

I learned that wearing an inordinate amount of makeup makes you look rather alarming in person.  The Bachelor people?  A bit alarming.

But great on screen.

I learned you should bring an extra phone charger, lest your iPhone die in the middle of your (brilliant) live tweets.

I also learned about jewel tones.

You have to wear jewel tones on camera, you know.  Well, if you’re not part of the “talent” you do.  It’s probably another conspiracy to keep the audience looking gross so the talent looks better in comparison.  That and making us stand on a red carpet in boiling heat without hydration, faux enthusiastically cheering for everyone.

Would you belive I did not own a jewel toned outfit before this event?  That I had to go to H&M and find their “weirdos” rack and buy a fuzzy pink sweater because it was the only jewel tone thing in the store that I felt I might reuse?  You probably would believe it.

OK, OK.  What next.

Here’s me and Cait taking a selfie in the bright, bright sun.

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Maybe this selfie?

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Probably not.

But!  That’s Dolly Parton’s favorite lipstick and Michelle Money did tell me she liked it.  We also talked about Utah high schools, because that’s what you do with Michelle Money.

With Courtney you talk about Ben.  (Only a little.)

The whole experience of standing on a red carpet cheering for these people was so odd.

I think even “the stars” know it’s odd.  These are regular people.  The only thing they’ve done of note is appear on a reality TV show.  Some of them are also notably beautiful, but not all of them.  And we’re supposed to pretend they are some celebrity?  I’m supposed to cry as though I’m meeting a role model who has really changed my life?

Eh.

I didn’t get starstruck except for when I met Neil Lane and boomed, “I LOVE WHAT YOU DID WITH MILEY’S RING.”  He seemed a bit…overwhelmed…I knew his work so well.  ”Oh really?” he said while I giggled uncontrollably.

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Will you look at that happiness?  My face cannot contain my happiness.  Cait’s either, for that matter.

I should meme that one.

WHEN YOU MEET THE MAN OF THE DIAMONDS.

So.

I got tickets to the First Ever Most Romantic And Dramatic Season Yet live premiere of The Bachelor because of Twitter.  That’s how the world works now, you follow Elan Gale and then somehow you end up sitting behind Courtney and Graham at the premiere.

My prime location had to do with Caitlin’s loudness/love of attention and the two farmer wives we fell in with early in the day.  Farmer wives make for a good storyline in the season of Prince Farming and so we were placed at the front to answer Chris Harrison’s questions.  ”Idaho wives, with me!” the producer said, and Cait and I scampered along with our newfound John Deere friends.

Unfortunately we were not asked any onscreen questions.

I was ready for them, though.

Chris Harrison: Why do people love Farmer Chris so much?

Me: Farmers are the new doctors

When I told Cait my secret plan, the pithy sentence I would just throw out at Chris instead of the typical “He’s sweet/genuine/hot” she laughed and laughed.

“You weirdo,” she said.  ”I’ll respond with ‘corn is the new black.’”

And so we sat, armed with great answers and not enough makeup.

We didn’t ever get to use our lines.

We did, however, get free Subway sandwiches, so the whole, crazy  9-hour experience was probably worth it in the end.

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Luke Danes v. Luke Boyfriend: An Analysis

5 Oct

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Long before he was Luke on this blog, I referred to my boyfriend as Luke in whispered girl-talk code-name-necessary conversations.

I chose the name Luke because of Luke Danes on Gilmore Girls, the gruff diner owner with a secret heart of gold.  My Luke is so very Luke.  He is so very stoic and he is so very good at making bacon and he, in the scheme of my life loves, is so very much a Luke.

I had a Christopher.  Amy Sherman Palladino was right about those Christophers.

She was also right about those Lukes.

She was right about everything, really, just as I should have always known she would be.

Luke Danes v. My Luke

An informal analysis

                      LUKE DANES                                           MY LUKE

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And Just Like That I Start Gilmore Girls Again

21 Aug

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About once a year, without warning, I get this aching in my bones.  A restless energy that whirls around and whispers, “Gilmore Girls.  It’s time for Gilmore Girls.”

And just like that, I start Gilmore Girls again.

I’ve watched Gilmore Girls so many times I can point out the smallest of errors, the tiniest of anachronisms.  “Oh that girl in the pilot at Stars Hollow High?  Yes, later she plays Tristan’s girlfriend at Chilton and goes by a completely new name,” I guffaw to myself, since no one else ever has or ever will care.

But I care.

I care about every last Tristan girlfriend, every odd Macy Gray choice, every, every, every second of Adam Brody time.

I know it all.  I feel it all.  It’s all part of the Gilmore Girls canon and part of me.

As I watch the show now, my heart beats a little faster.  It doesn’t matter that I can quote huge sections of every abnormally-long script, I still brighten at the thought of watching it unfold.

It’s the first time every time.

Make that into a love song, someone.

While the episodes progress I’m taken back to former versions of myself, the Jills that watched the show in real time, who lived and breathed for Tuesday nights in Stars Hollow.

There’s Post High School Jill who sat on a lawn outside her best friend’s cosmetology building discussing Dean and Jess for hours, avoiding her own impending reality.

There’s Freshman Year of College Jill who went home every weekend to a boyfriend who had recorded the latest episode on VHS for her.  A boyfriend, who, maybe, secretly, sort of liked the show himself.

I’m sure of it.

There’s the Jill who cried over that boyfriend while a television screen flashed in the background.

The Jill who browsed the University of Utah’s directory for men named Gilmore.

The Jill who watched the series finale on the East Coast because her stupid family had stupid moved to stupid Nowherseville, Kentucky.

Oh gosh, there’s even the Jill who turned down a Tuesday night date because of Lorelai and Rory.

She was a real thing, that Jill.

A peach, too.

On and on and round I go through Gilmore Girls, my adolescence and early adulthood swirling behind me, until I find myself today in The Marshmallow, pulling out those well-loved DVDs and curling up to the comforting sounds of Carole King.

I feel it all.

All the past Jills, all the loneliness and heartbreak and wanting of something that can’t be defined.

Every single time I watch Gilmore Girls,

I still feel it all.

Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak’s Social Media Love Affair, Or Why They Should Be Together

28 Feb

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Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak are the stuff of fan fiction. Once a real life couple (and real life TV couple), the two of them are now very public besties who like to tease their fans with the depth of their soulmate-ship all while claiming they’re just friends.

It’s the type of plotline Mindy would write into her show. And she did. (Remember BJ playing the guy who was really in love with his best friend on The Mindy Project?)

Obviously Mindy and BJ know what they’re doing. They’re smart. They’re sexy. They realize the whole world is rooting for their rom-com and they let it play out via social media so we can all shriek, “STOP DENYING FATE ALREADY!”

BJ once even told Entertainment Weekly, “The main reason I’m reluctant to get married to Mindy is that every single person in our lives and Twitter feeds would say, ‘I knew it.’ I just couldn’t f–ing deal with that. But we know. We know what’s there.”

Ugh, BJ. Not a good enough reason, man. Not a good enough reason.

Let’s take a look at some of Mindy and BJ’s flirtiest social media interactions. Prepare your shrieking.

Read the rest of my article for Portable here.  Spoiler: I say things like, “Mindy’s first Instagram of all time, a subtle hint to her strongest attachment of all time” and I mean it.

Also, in researching this article I discovered a Tweet where Mindy confirmed what we’ve known all along–Danny Castellano is very, very similar to BJ aka she’s writing their love story.

Super sigh.  Get together already.

ALSO

Prep your bar for Mardi Gras

(I have a Mardi Gras picture I’ve been planning for several months now.  This is important to tell you because this is my blog.  I don’t know.)

I don’t know, people, but I do know it’s Friday and my Spring Break is ending.

(We need a punctuation mark that’s the opposition of an exclamation mark.)