Instead (A Post About Depression)

26 Apr

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I wanted this to be a slightly smug, self-congratulatory post.

Hello everyone. Have you gotten your physical recently?

I did, and let me tell you what. It changed my life. It solved all my problems.

I wanted it to solve all my problems.

Instead.

Well, instead.

I got a physical a few months ago. My therapist suggested it, as I’ve been struggling with fatigue and she wanted to make sure there was no physical component to it.

I doubted there was. I have depression. Depression and fatigue go hand-in-hand.

But I went to the doctor.

Several tests, several strange results later I ended up in a specialist’s office. From everything I’d read about this highly unusual condition I had, fatigue was a large component. All I needed to do was get the thing removed, a quick surgery here, a quick medication there, and bing, bang, boom.

New lease on life.

New woman.

Problems solved.

Instead.

Well, instead.

The specialist told me that I was totally fine.

Yay! My friends said.

That’s great news, my family said.

Oh no, I said.

You see, somewhere in those few months I had let myself hope. Let myself hope that maybe there was something bigger at play here. There was a reason! something tangible! for the way I was (am). There was an easy fix. Soon I would be accomplishing things with the best of them.

With the “normal” people.

Instead.

Well, instead I’m here. Writing the opposite of a smug post.

It turns out that this condition I have, this depression and fatigue I live with every day, yeah, it’s exactly what I thought it was.

That can be incredibly daunting.

Depression, for me at least, doesn’t have an end date. I can medicate it, but I can’t eradicate it. I can put things in place, set my life up to manage it, and yet, it can breeze into town and destroy everything without thought.

In my lowest moments I wonder how I’m going to do it. How I’m going to live day-in and day-out with this darkness, this pressure, this sadness.

It’s overwhelming.

There’s not a lot of light or hope in it.

I wanted the easy out.

The easy out felt so good.

Instead.

Well, instead.

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6 Responses to “Instead (A Post About Depression)”

  1. steph April 27, 2018 at 7:19 am #

    I’ve been in that place and can empathize. Hope things get better for you soon. Sending you good vibes :)

    • jillianlorraine May 2, 2018 at 9:33 pm #

      Thank you xo

  2. Fiona April 27, 2018 at 2:17 pm #

    Sorry you don’t have something to put it down to. It would be so much more helpful if depression was a thing that you can cut out and prod and show people “look! told you there was something in there!”. It’s in you but not of you – remember that!

    • jillianlorraine May 2, 2018 at 9:33 pm #

      xoxo

  3. Heather Lindquist April 28, 2018 at 8:13 am #

    I had the exact same thing happen to me. I have struggled with depression for years, but the last few years have been extra hard and I’ve gained a bunch of weight. I went in hoping something would be wrong with my thyroid or something, but everything is totally normal. I’m not sure what I wanted to hear, but I guess do now I just need to keep doing the little things that help and hopefully overtime will be the big things. Hang in there. I’m right there with ya.

    • jillianlorraine May 2, 2018 at 9:37 pm #

      I wish we could discuss over a big Fiiz. Thank you for sharing. We’ve got this xo

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