Reality

31 Oct

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Rob’s mom sends me a very thoughtful birthday package every year. I consider it one of the great advantages to dating an only child, specifically an only child named Rob. I get a lot of attention.

The package is always themed and wrapped perfectly. Each gift has a purpose and a meaning to it. This year everything was wrapped in a beautiful, pale pink pattern  with flowers and fruit—a masterpiece that I wish was wallpaper in every room of my home.

I immediately set about to take a picture of it, this wrapping paper, and when I was satisfied with my editing job, I posted it online.

My final picture looks only vaguely related to the real thing. Maybe a cousin, where you squint and say, “Oh yeah I can see the resemblance, I guess.”

It’s pretty though, and it goes with my color theme on Instagram.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about what we post online and reality. It’s nothing new, I don’t have some groundbreaking information that will change your world or make this blog go viral. But I’ve been thinking about my own life and what’s out there, probably because lately I’ve been sad.

I almost said “sort of sad,” or feeling a “little low.” There are all sorts of euphemisms we say to others, and we say online. Because this blog is public and employers can read it and future employers can read it and you can read it.

I am always a couple shades further from exactly how I feel on this blog. I’m always a bit brightened, the contrast higher, the saturation up. It looks right for my feed, the online version of myself I’ve curated.

The real-life version isn’t quite the same. My real life is the vaguely related cousin.

I haven’t been sad for any particular reason. I don’t want to alarm you. Things aren’t terrible or awful right now. I’ve been a bit lonely, I think. Overwhelmed with the amount I have to get done. Feeling like a failure in the things I want to succeed at most.

Normal life sadness without really a particular point I can put it all on to make it seem better.

See, this tragedy occurred that’s why I’m not so happy.

See, I’m normal.

I am sad and that’s the reality.

I know what to do from here, I’ve been here before.

But I’m sad.

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3 Responses to “Reality”

  1. Fiona October 31, 2016 at 10:48 am #

    I love this. Mostly because yesterday I figured I need to up my Instagram game because I only post something once every 3 months and it’s usually a terrible picture anyway. The perfect opportunity arose later that day when I was having a mug of tea and some new Christmas mince pies. My mug was chipped and ugly so I poured my tea into a pretty teacup that matched the sideplate and took the picture against our new wooden dining room table. After I had set a filter, posted it on Instagram, poured my tea back into my favourite mug, and warmed up my mince pies and tea again I remembered why I only do this once every three months.

    I want to have pretty pictures too! Ooo and ideally all with the same filter/theme! I want my day perfectly captured too! But aren’t the best pictures the kind of shitty blurry ones that have an epic story behind them?

    • jillianlorraine November 29, 2016 at 10:27 pm #

      This is amazing and so, so accurate.

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