I woke up lazily. Every time my body wanted to rise I asked it if it really did. I slept on and off through the morning.
I pulled out my latest Anne Lamott book and read until I couldn’t read anymore. I meditated for 12 minutes, reeling my mind back in approximately 1,400 times.
I had a bowl of Frosted Flakes and a ripe tangerine for breakfast. I drank 16 ounces of water.
I caught up with a few friends. I headed out for a walk. On the way, I made the last minute decision to turn around and check Pavilions for Girl Scout cookies. They were there! Hallelujah!
I bought four boxes of Tagalongs.
I accepted that Tagalongs are the only Girl Scout cookies I truly care about even though society told me for so long it was Samoas and Thin Mints that should own my heart.
I walked on the Pepperdine track, the last of a children’s soccer practice clearing out with tears and grass stained shinguards. Pepperdine’s baseball team started practice, tiny, gorgeous orange dots on the horizon.
I made plans with Rob for the next day. Mondays are our weekend and we alternate who chooses what we do. Tomorrow is his Monday and he wants to get Lily’s breakfast burritos (with potatoes) and go to Broad Beach. It’s nice that what we like to do lines up so beautifully.
I walked around Pepperdine’s track for 5,000 steps. I listened to Mariah Carey and remembered her arm movements in her concert and how everything I know about dancing I learned from Mariah.
Stand in one place.
Sing your guts out.
Let your diva arm do the talking.
I sang Touch my Body as I rounded the track for the last time.
I had a huge salad topped with peppers and olives and artichokes and garbanzo beans. I added a Diet Coke to the mix for balance.
I didn’t pretend like I cared about football.
Or the Super Bowl.
Instead I went to a yoga class with other people who weren’t pretending.
I thought about how a few months ago I felt like everything was falling apart. How there are half a dozen dramatic blog drafts entitled things like “I feel happy today” and “I’m trying” that I never published on this blog because when my internal life is too jumbled I’m unable to create anything.
I thought about how I got myself over that mountain or molehill or something in between. How I sought help. How I reevaluated my career and made some course corrections. How I took up meditation and how the benefits of that cannot be overstated.
I thought about how I’ve pursued my self-care as a religion the past few months. How I walk every single day and read and meditate and self soothe. How I am able to take one bad thing that comes my way and accept that it is a bad thing not a bad life and I’ll try again tomorrow.
How I couldn’t do that before.
My friend is going through a hard time. I wanted to pass all this on to her, to say, “Hey! Here’s the secret. Do it!”
And then I remembered that this is my secret, for now.
My sacred, for now.
I remembered that we all get there through different means at different rates.
That we can’t save anyone but ourselves.
That we’re all just doing our best.