In Which Hannah Horvath Chooses Healthiness And I Cry

23 Mar

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*This post contains Girls spoilers*

At the end of this season of Girls we finally see the feminine leads saving themselves.  Shoshanna decides to move to Japan for her dream job (or something like it).  Jessa announces she’s going to become a therapist.  Marnie performs solo on stage and kills it.

And what of our lead, our bold Hannah Horvath?

Hannah chooses healthiness.

Adam approaches Hannah after a shared traumatic experience. He says he misses her and wants her and he held on to all the wrong things when he let her go.

Hannah cries and says she can’t.

I can’t, she says.

Yes you can, he says.

I can’t, she says again.

And I cried.

Earlier in the season, Adam and Hannah had perhaps the best breakup I’ve ever seen on TV.

Adam looks at Hannah and says,

Did you think it was working between us?

We tried this all different kinds of ways.  I don’t know any other ways. Do you?

The scene was so brilliant I’ve thought about it ever since.  I don’t know any other ways, do you?

It makes me reflect on the delusions we hold while in relationships.  How Hannah can imagine that if they just try harder or try more it will work.  It will work.  They love each other!  It has to work.

Girls gets to me usually on a small scale.  I relate to Hannah probably more than I’m comfortable with.  When her boss says, “You’re an adult.  And I know it sucks but you just have to start at least trying to keep at least some stuff inside,” I squirm.  Because I say all my feelings as they happen.  I share and share again.  I keep nothing inside. I am the teenager in an adult body that Hannah is.

Over-identifying with small-scale Girls stuff I’m used to.  But the large-scale stuff?

That stuff has me in tears.

When I see Hannah looking the man she loves in the eye and saying I can’t, I imagine all the unspoken words.

I can’t choose this cycle again.

I can’t go through this heartache.

I know how this goes.  I know how this ends.

I love you.

I want you.

I can’t I can’t I can’t.

The season ends with Hannah, six months later, holding hands with the nice guy from school, the guy who seems so very kind and good and healthy.

I cry and cry and cry.

And then I call Rob and tell him I love him.

Because I chose healthiness.

Maybe that’s what we do as adults.

Maybe that’s what our 20s are about.

Learning to choose healthiness.

Saying I can’t.

Maybe that’s what growing up is.

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5 Responses to “In Which Hannah Horvath Chooses Healthiness And I Cry”

  1. Cynthia March 24, 2015 at 12:58 am #

    I just watched this episode last night and really felt all the same things you mentioned. The Adam/Hannah break-up scene from earlier this season had me in tears too… I felt like I was reliving my break-up from a long-term love all over again as it really was just like this. The same feelings. The same words. Part of me wanted Hannah to give it another try just because I like Adam, but it was so sweet to see that final snowy scene with the new boyfriend.
    This season was definitely the best yet! How does it keep getting better?

    • jillianlorraine March 24, 2015 at 8:28 am #

      Agreed! This season emotionally affected me in ways previous seasons hadn’t. I love, love that they are starting to grow up. That the reality of Adam/Hannah is not that because she loved him first she loves him last. I’m so excited to see where they go as grown ups.

  2. sarah March 24, 2015 at 8:16 am #

    this is so good.

    • jillianlorraine March 24, 2015 at 8:28 am #

      Thank you!

  3. Bailey Brewer March 24, 2015 at 8:30 am #

    great post.

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