In Which I Attend The Live Premiere Of The Bachelor

12 Jan

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Shall we start with how I made The Bachelor Ellen-ripoff selfie?

There I am in the back looking…angry?  Odd?  Annoyed?

I should have posed.  No one informed me of the picture, shockingly.

I should have posed.

All right, all right, what’s next?  Maybe a creepy screenshot?

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I’ll be honest, I imagined if I was ever on The Bachelor, the world would stop, Twitter would break, memes would be made of my face.  ”That girl in the audience,” people would say in incredulous tones, “Did you see that fabulous girl in the audience expressing with her face what we have all felt but never before been able to convey?”

I have the gift of facial expressions, it’s handed down from my mother.  I wear my heart on my face, my emotions in my eyes,  my annoyances on my chin, and while none of this makes sense, you get it.

And yet I was on The Bachelor and there aren’t any memes.

Wait!

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It’s a terrible, lazy meme!

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Two terrible, lazy memes!

Three french hens!

All right, I’m getting off course.

I learned a lot from my 9 hours with reality TV for the live premiere of The Bachelor.

I learned that in order to look good on screen you need to wear an inordinate amount of makeup, and that if you aren’t you will look shiny and odd.

I learned that wearing an inordinate amount of makeup makes you look rather alarming in person.  The Bachelor people?  A bit alarming.

But great on screen.

I learned you should bring an extra phone charger, lest your iPhone die in the middle of your (brilliant) live tweets.

I also learned about jewel tones.

You have to wear jewel tones on camera, you know.  Well, if you’re not part of the “talent” you do.  It’s probably another conspiracy to keep the audience looking gross so the talent looks better in comparison.  That and making us stand on a red carpet in boiling heat without hydration, faux enthusiastically cheering for everyone.

Would you belive I did not own a jewel toned outfit before this event?  That I had to go to H&M and find their “weirdos” rack and buy a fuzzy pink sweater because it was the only jewel tone thing in the store that I felt I might reuse?  You probably would believe it.

OK, OK.  What next.

Here’s me and Cait taking a selfie in the bright, bright sun.

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Maybe this selfie?

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Probably not.

But!  That’s Dolly Parton’s favorite lipstick and Michelle Money did tell me she liked it.  We also talked about Utah high schools, because that’s what you do with Michelle Money.

With Courtney you talk about Ben.  (Only a little.)

The whole experience of standing on a red carpet cheering for these people was so odd.

I think even “the stars” know it’s odd.  These are regular people.  The only thing they’ve done of note is appear on a reality TV show.  Some of them are also notably beautiful, but not all of them.  And we’re supposed to pretend they are some celebrity?  I’m supposed to cry as though I’m meeting a role model who has really changed my life?

Eh.

I didn’t get starstruck except for when I met Neil Lane and boomed, “I LOVE WHAT YOU DID WITH MILEY’S RING.”  He seemed a bit…overwhelmed…I knew his work so well.  ”Oh really?” he said while I giggled uncontrollably.

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Will you look at that happiness?  My face cannot contain my happiness.  Cait’s either, for that matter.

I should meme that one.

WHEN YOU MEET THE MAN OF THE DIAMONDS.

So.

I got tickets to the First Ever Most Romantic And Dramatic Season Yet live premiere of The Bachelor because of Twitter.  That’s how the world works now, you follow Elan Gale and then somehow you end up sitting behind Courtney and Graham at the premiere.

My prime location had to do with Caitlin’s loudness/love of attention and the two farmer wives we fell in with early in the day.  Farmer wives make for a good storyline in the season of Prince Farming and so we were placed at the front to answer Chris Harrison’s questions.  ”Idaho wives, with me!” the producer said, and Cait and I scampered along with our newfound John Deere friends.

Unfortunately we were not asked any onscreen questions.

I was ready for them, though.

Chris Harrison: Why do people love Farmer Chris so much?

Me: Farmers are the new doctors

When I told Cait my secret plan, the pithy sentence I would just throw out at Chris instead of the typical “He’s sweet/genuine/hot” she laughed and laughed.

“You weirdo,” she said.  ”I’ll respond with ‘corn is the new black.’”

And so we sat, armed with great answers and not enough makeup.

We didn’t ever get to use our lines.

We did, however, get free Subway sandwiches, so the whole, crazy  9-hour experience was probably worth it in the end.

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7 Responses to “In Which I Attend The Live Premiere Of The Bachelor”

  1. Linnea January 12, 2015 at 6:47 pm #

    This makes me so happy and a little bit jealous. Also – there is really a dress code for the audience? Was large statement necklaces part of that, or was that just what the farmer’s wives from Chris’ home town instructed to wear (so they’d be a more cohesive group, I’m assuming?)

    • jillianlorraine January 12, 2015 at 10:37 pm #

      Hahahahahaha

    • jillianlorraine January 12, 2015 at 10:38 pm #

      And yes, we were told no black or white, no patterns or stripes of any kind, and that jewel tones look best on camera.

  2. Kay R. January 12, 2015 at 7:14 pm #

    Elan Gale is hilarious so cool you got to go because of him. I think this is all just too awesome!

    • jillianlorraine January 12, 2015 at 10:42 pm #

      He is hilarious and he’s also now like a star in his own right. People lined up to take pictures with him.

  3. Autumn @ The Unreal Life January 13, 2015 at 7:05 am #

    That is so funny… one of the “Idaho wives” who you met is another blog I follow! She was so excited to go. Her’s blog’s name is The Farmer’s Wife.

    • jillianlorraine January 13, 2015 at 8:26 am #

      Amy! She’s great. I’ve started following her blog too.

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