Here’s The Thing About On And Off Relationships

25 Oct

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Here’s the thing about on and off relationships.  You never really believe they’re over. You figure if the two of you survived The Great Christmas Party Incident of 2011 or the 700 “I never want to talk to you again” conversations, then you can survive anything.

You figure if you forgave him for not coming to that wedding, he can forgive you for that stupid thing you said when you were tired and angry and dramatic.

Your relationship, The Relationship, is bigger than that.

Here’s the thing about on and off relationships.  There’s this forever feeling of “maybe.”  This idea that, “Well it’s not the right time for us right now because of my school or his work or my need to eat a donut at this very moment.”   And you realize how ridiculous you are for thinking that, and how absurd your excuses are getting.  But whatever.  The two of you always come back to each other.

That must mean that one day the “maybe” will become a “yes.”

Here’s the thing about on and off relationships.  No one is going to compare to Him, at least not at first.  They haven’t devoted years to figuring out what you love and hate.  They don’t have the natural smoothness, the comfortable physicality, the history.  They don’t understand you like He does.

So when you find yourself on another bad date with another guy you have zero chemistry with, you end up contacting Him and reminiscing about the good old days.  Because, man, that was love, wasn’t it?

And you’re never going to find that again.

And you make your life a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here’s the thing about on and off relationships.  You’ve gotten so practiced at telling everyone, “No, we aren’t dating right now…” and leaving it up to their imagination, that you can’t even face the reality of the relationship—that is in your imagination.

It’s only in an imaginary future with an imaginary person that is not the individual you’ve been breaking and making up with, that this dysfunctional relationship could work.

But admitting that would feel like admitting that years of your life were a mistake.  And you can’t have made that big of a mistake.

You just can’t have.

Here’s the thing about on and off relationships.  They aren’t nearly as romantic as they seem in the movies.  There’s a whole lot more tears, and a whole lot more people messed up in the process, and if you could go back in time you would just make a clean break in the first place.

Or maybe you wouldn’t.  Who even knows at this point.

Because that’s the thing about on and off relationships.

You can’t help but think that maybe there’s hope.

You can’t help but think that maybe this time it will be different.

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